She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you didnt know i had herpes?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
