I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
