I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
