I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
