Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
