1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
