Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
