the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
