I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
the day after is always just damage control
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
