drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
