WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
