i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
