I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
