So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
