Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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