my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
