Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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