I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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