While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
