How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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