Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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