I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
