party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
