you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.