I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.