We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.