ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Whats that? My new stripper name?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.