He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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