dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
