When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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