it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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