My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
