so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
