If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
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at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
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I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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