I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
