The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
