My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
