I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
