every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
40s are totally the cure
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
