if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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