"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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