Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
