feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
