Whod you bang
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
