at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
