If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
