$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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