got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
