in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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