Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
