This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
