Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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