Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
